Inner Struggles

Sorry for the long silence...like many, i have internal struggles from time to time.  i am not seeking the approval of anyone with this post and, if you are seeking stimulation, this post will not stimulate anything but debate and discussion.

"What are you doing?" "Why do you want this?" "Chastity devices...are you serious?" "Does this have a connection with a panty fetish?" "Would you tell your family what you enjoy?" "Yes, She is benefitting, so why are you after to talk it over with Her?"

The conversations and, on some days, debates are fleeting, fluid but ever present. They can be simply stated questions or can be filled with anger and frustration.

i was traveling recently.  During my trip, i had significant freedom to go where i wanted, do what i wanted, be who i wanted. Seldom did i take care of things without Her - although I could have done so repeatedly.  During my trip, however, i had a moment of self-discovery.

With all due respect to those into true D/s, i don't believe i would ever fit into "the scene."  i've flirted with wanting to be in the scene.  i've romanticized about being in the scene.  i was in a big city during part of my travels and found a meeting of people that were into sissification and D/s more broadly.  i went to observe but, unfortunately, i didn't last long.  My phone rang shortly after the meeting began and it was Her.  i stepped out to take the call and, as i stood there talking to Her, i realized that i was not interested in official D/s...at least not what i had just witnessed.  i did not return - i went to dinner instead.  To those of my readers who may have been in that meeting, i mean no disrespect - i just didn't find myself wanting to learn more after the first fifteen minutes. While in the meeting, i also understood that dressing in feminine outerwear in public is not something that necessarily excites me. In the same regard, wearing feminine underwear or a chastity device in public, under clothing of course, DOES excite me.

i have come to appreciate that i am a complex, complex human being with views, desires, hopes and fears that i simply cannot explain.  They well up from deep within and i am not sure that i have the patience, stamina or strength to burrow deep down inside to understand enough.

What i have come to appreciate even more is that i love Her.  If She wanted me in bondage, i would do it.  If She wanted me in panties, i would do it.  If She wanted me to never have sex again...i'd...i'd struggle but i'd do it.  While i sometime disagree with Her, while i sometimes engage in verbal joisting with her, i know i always will be picking myself up from the turf while She looks down upon me from Her mount.  What She doesn't need to know is that i sometimes fall from my own horse on purpose.

God, please grant me enough courage and strength to offer enforced chastity to Her as a way to improve our marriage.