Saturday, July 23, 2011

Monogamous Less the Amorous

Picture from Melvin_Es on Flickr
i have been struggling with a lack of sex in our marriage.  Yes, a lack of sex is to be expected by someone using the moniker of "Chaste Hubby."  However, the bothersome part is not the lack of sex but the missing amorous interactions. 

Starting with the monogamous part, i am not inclined to turn outside of O/our marriage for the physical attention that i so deeply desire.  Monogamy, whether it is natural or not, is deeply rooted in my soul.  O/our immediate families have had no divorces and we are "in it together for the long haul."  There is nothing inherently wrong with divorces and the people that resort to them.  Rather, i just feel my obligation to my family, my kids, and my family culture is to fight, struggle and get through whatever may face U/us in a marraige.  The solution, then, must be found within the relationship - unless that proves an utterly useless effort, in which case moving on may be the only option.

Amorous is defined by Merriam-Webster's as "moved by love and especially sexual love."  What happens, though, when the amorous actions vacate the marriage?  i remember back to dating a friend named Heidi in junior high school.  While she was the first girl who let me touch Her breasts, and while She taught me how to caress, nuzzle and snuggle, we were exploring the emotions and experiences caused when the physical contact released the torrent of chemicals within the body.  We were learning together but She was my first tutor.  We held hands when we walked.  We hugged, and not just to say "hello" and "good bye," but for any reason and no reason at all.  When i think of what O/our marriage is missing, the memories of Heidi flood to the surface.

Later, in high school, i had a very short relationship with Kayleen.  Kayleen and i connected in a way that i cannot explain.  She had a very strong libido and was just discovering Her desires.  i was an interlude in a relationship that She was in the midst of that involved a very religous young man.  He would not satiate Her - i was more than willing.  We spent countless evenings in a parked car exploring every curiousity.  She was intelligent, clever, witty and brazen.  Many of the characteristics that i love about my Wife.  However, Kayleen had a libido that allowed for kisses in times and places that bordered on inappropriate, but we were young.  Again, however, the hand-holding, snuggles and affection were free flowing.

These are the things missing from O/our marraige.  When did the marriage bed become so lonely and how did it happen?  In reviewing articles written by others, it appears that The Atlantic wrote about the lack of sex in marriage back in 2003.  According to that article, even Dr. Phil noted on his website that "sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic."  The article, however, is a review of The Sex-Starved Marriage, which i may have to pick up and read because it purports to contain a few tips and solutions.

In O/our marriage, what She doesn't understand, and what i have tried countless times and in countless ways to explain, is that it is NOT about the intercourse.  i could be locked in chastity for the rest of my life as long as there was a physical component to replace the intercourse.  People need the brush of the arm during a conversation.  People need the holding of a hand while walking through the marketplace.  The seemingly infinitesimal physical contacts can revive and maintain the steady heartbeat of a marriage.  Without them, the weight of the world can smother out the brightest burning flame of love. 

Because i attempt at all times to provide for Her anything and everything She could ever want, i guess She does not see a need to resort to using sex as a negotiating chip.  As The Atlantic article explained:

"Davis reminds women that one of the more effective ways to get a husband to be more considerate and helpful is to seduce him. She counsels a group of female clients who complain of angry, critical husbands to 'pay more attention to their physical relationships with their husbands,' to 'be sexier, more affectionate, attentive, responsive, and passionate.'"

So i wonder if the solution is to be less considerate, less helpful, more angry and more critical?  The problem is that i am not that way by nature.  Alas, i will have a weekend full of lawnwork, housework and child ferrying during which to consider how to move forward.  i am flailing about trying to find an answer.  i have tried the direct route and i am not getting any positive response.  i am not sure how long i need to pound my head against the wall, before i turn to see a door.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, your post resonates because we have a similar situation here.
    Being turned down by my Wife when son was away overnight a couple times last month got me really down. I feel I should listen to and adore her, but also want our rare "play" time.
    Anyway, struggling the same way. Really like your retrospective sharing of your past.
    I will say, after our recent problems I told her (and followed with actions) that *I* was too hurt for sex with her, and it would be some time before I thought I'd be ready. Well, to your point, it did have an effect. She started to want it more from me. Of course, after a couple of long (and sometimes emotionally tough) weeks, I broke down ... and we've been doing better. So, just maybe it will work for you.
    Good luck!